Voices carry

So, I’ve been singing lately. I like , no I LOVE to sing. I always sing. People just don’t usually hear it. Now, they will.
A couple of friends and I wrote a song the other day. We sang it, fooled around, got it right. Then we recorded it. I learned how to sing a B note. See, I don’t think I can sing that well. I get lost in the technical shit. Like breathing, notes, scales and harmony. ( Ahhh Lizard Brain, hello. Now, Fuck OFF) It’s like Dan Mangan says: “Don’t ask questions, don’t ask directions, just go.” Or rather in my case, LET GO. So I did, and here we are.
I still have trouble with singing on the spur of the moment. You know, people ask, I get shy, make jokes. That sort of thing. I’m getting better, though. Every day I practice, and become more confident that these people who say I can sing, aren’t just being nice. So, don’t be offended when you ask me to sing, and I go red in the face and stammer N-n-n-not today. You’ll know when I’m ready.

You’ll hear me.

Everyone will hear me.

Humble Pie

“To Stand Up is to Stand Out”

So I’ve been struggling with something.

It’s letting the world know what I am doing. I’m trying to be selective in the public arenas to which I present myself.
It’s not very inspiring!
So, here goes.

If you are reading this, you know me.. You know who I am and how I operate on a general basis. What I want you to do now, is see me differently.

*AHEM*
My name is Brandy Shaw. I am a Creative Passion coach. I work with creative individuals, who are ready to step out and up from the space they are in now. I help you find out what makes you glow.Or since you already do, how to glow BRIGHTER! How do you craft your creative light?
I want you to live from that place of pure creativity. Put THAT out in the world, and see what is created! Make no mistake though. I pull no punches and make no apologies. You will work hard. Because it’s all for you in the end. YOU decide how far we go. YOU decide when to jump/leap/and grow. Let’s craft your life to live your light.
So that’s who I am. It may sound a bit like fluff. It’s not. There are tough questions and sometimes, tougher answers. It all depends on how MUCH you want, whatever it is you want. How far are you willing to go for your dream, your vision, your perfect life? I work with people who want to live their creative light. All the time.

Imagine that.
This is what I want, what do you want??

Finding Superman

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

~Anais Nin

You know that old saying; ‘you have to kiss a lot of frogs…..before you find your prince/princess’? Yeah. You been there too, I’m sure of it. I don’t believe thats true in everyone’s case though. Look at our grandparents. Date one or two people. Fall in love (or at least strong like), and do it up. Granted, that was 40 or 50 years ago. You and I both know, it ain’t that easy anymore.

I was having a conversation the other night, with two of my favorite women. One of them is slated to be married this summer, to her man of 10 years. Yep, 10. Two kids, in the middle of re-modeling their first house, and crazy, about each other. Or maybe just plain crazy. She was recalling how he had been exhausted lately. Tears came to her eyes when she called him her superman.
Now, I don’t mean dude with perfect hair, tights and x-ray vision. I mean a man willing to work all day, work on a house to make it a loving home, and, because he got home too late was disappointed he didn’t get to kiss his daughter good-night. A man that takes punches and makes sacrifices for the ones he loves. I am so happy that she has her super man. It just shows, they are out there.

Lessons

What lesson can be learned with today’s events? Lets see. Almost got a ticket for the skytrain, some man was practicing the art of douchebaggery on the skytrain. I mean seriously, who tells a new mother to get up from the seat she’s in so ‘more deserving people’ can sit sown. Really? (deep breath-no pettiness B)And then, I could have slept for another half an hour. But I digress. So the lesson, I learned today is, people have different models of the world, and even though they may be sad or frightened or just plain pissed off at the world, they are merely ‘being’ the way that makes them comfortable within their world frame. Makes sense? 

On another note, I was at a concert last night, 65redroses Benefit for Eva Markvoort,     http://65redroses.livejournal.com/   who has passed away from cystic fibrosis. Look her up. She could teach you a few things about living. It was so moving to see so many people in one space for the same cause. Powerful things take place in rooms like that. In any space where people come together for love, or the greater good and to help others. Amazing. And so another lesson was learned, fill a good space with love and strength and positivity and magical things can happen.
Whew!

     So next on the agenda, find people to generate these kind of actions. Find a space, (my house works well, we’ll start small) put allllll your energy into creating the feeling you want to fill the space with. Now, let go and feeeeeel. Use whatever helps; images, colors, fantasy. 

Are you tingling? Are you filled with the energy of your space? 

Me too, and I was just coaching YOU to be there. I guess I’m an easy touch. 

Shhhh……..don’t tell.

The Back Story

I don’t necessarily start with the beginning of the book. I just start with the part of the story that’s most vivid in my imagination and work forward and backward from there.
Beverly Cleary

I suppose I could have started AT the beginning, WITH the beginning.

Let’s just do it now, instead. You don’t mind, do you? Good.

Two years ago, I became haunted by fear. Stomach lurching, can’t sleep from 3 am on, fear. It just kind of crept up,  like November. This feeling wasn’t always at the forefront. There were hours and maybe, if I was lucky,  a couple of days between noticing it. And then again the fear would come like an old, unwelcome friend. It would stay,  hang out and question my abilities, thoughts, and most of all my feelings. “Brandy, if you do that, it might not work and besides it’s stupid anyway.”  Or “Why did you choose that/wear that/eat that/do that, you KNOW its not a good decision.” Onward and so forth. The fear could also be called my Lizard Brain. Or at least be directly contributed to that part of me.

So, as you can imagine, this fear had infiltrated all different parts of my life. It had almost taken over (which is where my first post comes in), and living in constant fear takes a toll. It manages to sweep away all certainty that you are on the ball, clear, and on your straight and true path for yourself.  What happens then when there is no wake up call? When there is no 3 am sudden realization that you nor I,  can live like this anymore?  What happens then? I consider myself lucky at this point. Because I was fortuitous enough to have one, and it took me out and above what was holding me back. Don’t get me wrong, the fear is still alive and present. I just have found the exact push to drive me straight through it.

And that, my friends, is the beginning of this journey.

What drives you straight through your fear?

Too Much?

So, as you can imagine, I stayed. Running away only means that everything you ran away from, will sometime, somehow,  catch up and you are in the same place all over again.

I instead, picked up a book that has been sitting on my bookshelf for, about 2 years. Coincidence? Are you kidding? A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle. Now, don’t scoff. This man knows things, lots of amazing things.  Strangely enough, within the first 3 paragraphs he writes something along the lines of ” it (this book) can only awaken those who are ready” and “if the awakening process has already begun, the reading of this book will accelerate and intensify it.” Shit came up. Out of me, out of the depths of my person, all these doubts, fears, wants and longings came RUSHING to the surface.  I cried. Balled my eyes out for a good hour. After wiping off the tears and snot, I realized something. I’m scared as hell to change. To do work, to put myself out there. And to FAIL. Apparently this is all natural and normal to think this way. Phew. I didn’t think I was abnormal, but I was starting to wonder if I was, in fact, going crazy.

So, in this vein I continue. It’s interesting to note, since diving into all of this exploring of self, the fear has receded slightly. I mean it is still there, loud and proud. And now, I can work around it (like the upstairs psycho neighbour) with a little more assertiveness.

Clarity though, is still eluding me. I wish to find it. Maybe next time, I can ask it nicely to leave a trail of breadcrumbs when it goes.

First Things, First

I’ve done this before, and I never seem to be able to stick to it. I guess because I thought writing was only about me. I have learned that its NOT only about me and my catharsis. Writing is also, mainly, about you. And by you, I mean any one of you that may choose to read what I’m putting down. This writing is as well about the parts of it you, yourself may take away to have function and form in your own life.

Ok.

I’m 33 years old. I have a fairly nice place to live, I have great food in my fridge, I have a man whom I would walk to the edge of the earth for. And whom, incidentally,  loves to cook said food in fridge. For both ourselves and others. I have a steady-ish job which pays the bills. I’m content you could say. Why then, do I suddenly feel like a caged animal? I mean, snarl at anyone, rip your arm off if you come close , trying to dig my way out, caged animal. ( Please, someone tell me you know what i am talking about!)  So, I begin asking questions. Is it my age? Where I am in my life? Who I am with? My personal, and or spiritual beliefs?  I have everything that makes one happy.  Why can’t I just be fucking grateful for all of it?

It’s because I’ve lost my way, my purpose if you will. Clarity has flown the coop and I am having trouble seeing a clear path. What does one do at this stage?

• Call a friend?
• Find a guru?
• Run?

I admit # 3 tempts me greatly. I’ll never tell how much.   Please tell me, what do YOU do when you are lost??

Enquiring minds want to know….especially mine!